till death do us apart

Embracing Fear.
With an open heart.
Inviting him in.
I take his hat and coat, and say:
Just make yourself at home.
I am at home, he replies.
Very well, I say.
We sit down, and I serve warm tea with peppermint.

I cannot notice his black eyes.
Very obviously full of intentions.
My naïve politeness tells him my past and future.
While he paralyzes all my words and fills them with despair.
What an unfriendly thing to do after I served tea.

Then he kisses me.
His hopelessness infiltrates my breathing system.
I usually never kiss on a first date.
Fear breaks all my intensely imagined walls of protection,
And dives into my soul.
Seals my heart with impenetrable anxiety.
Beats it up with irregular punches.
He makes me feel way too much alive.

Cookies, I ask desperately.
Although I fear it is too late.
Fear smiles and puts a ring on my finger.
Dedication, he says.
Distraction, please help me, I whisper.
Lifelong dedication, he demands.
But Distraction never turns up at appropriate moments.

Fear kisses me a second time.
Then he moves in with all his friends.
While I stand hopelessly holding their coats and hats.
And fear life even more than death.
Hoping to wake up by drinking stronger coffee.